Guidance for Family and Friends
The most important thing for a survivor of rape or sexual abuse, whether it happened recently or a very long time ago, is to be listened to, believed and not judged. By listening, believing and not judging, you will be supporting your loved one to deal with the trauma in their own way. It’s important not to pressure them into doing or talking about anything they are not ready to; sexual violence or abuse takes away control and it is very important that you recognise the importance of survivors making their own decisions, in their own time.
- Remain calm. You may feel shocked or outraged, but expressing these emotions to the victim may cause confusion or discomfort.
- Believe the victim. Make it clear that you believe the assault happened and that the assault is not her or his fault.
- Give the victim control. Control was taken away during the assault. Empower the victim to make decisions about what steps to take next, and try to avoid telling her or him what to do.
- Be available for the victim to express a range of feelings: crying, screaming, being silent, etc. Just be there to listen.
- Assure the victim of your support. She or he needs to know that regardless of what happened, your relationship will remain intact.
- Maintain confidentiality. Let the victim decide who to tell about the assault.
- Ask before offering physical support. Asking “Can I give you a hug?” can re-establish the victim’s sense of security, safety, and control.
- Say what you can guarantee. Don’t make promises you can’t keep, such as saying the victim will never be hurt again, or that the offender will be put in jail.
- Be patient and recognize that healing can take years with advances and setbacks.
- Take care of yourself. Acknowledge the impact that this has on your own life, and seek outside support for yourself. Taking care of your needs can make it easier to provide support to others.
